How are you? Hope you had or are having a good day today?
Since the coronavirus pandemic, I didn’t go to my favorite nearby café often. Until last year, I used to spend a few hours reading books or writing a little bit in the café. In that café, there was my favorite table and seat near the door, and the seat was very comfy. And there was a divine moment in that table that I would never forget.
On a certain Sunday, September 16, 2018, it was still hot in Seoul, like the summer. After the church service as usual, I took a nap with an air-conditioner remote-controller on my side table. Feeling cold in the middle of the nap, I turned the air conditioner off, and put the remote-controller back on the table. It slipped from the table and made a big noise in its crash-landing. At that time, my mom was walking to and fro in the room in her routine exercise, and she spat out the word “Bitch” to me at the noise. I didn’t mean to surprise her with the noise, but I knew the evil spirit provoked her. Though she got much better six months after she started to torture me with delusion daily, she gave me a hard time those days. I knew she wasn’t happy with me the other night when I couldn’t stand her annoying me. Now, hearing the bad word from her mouth, I was too upset to go back to sleep. I thought to myself, “What wrong have I done? I do my best to look after her daily, but what a word!” It was raining outside, and not a good weather to go out. But I thought it would be better-off out than having her company inside. So, I got up from the bed, hurt and angry, and I took my e-book reader to my favorite café, and took my favorite table and sat in there.
I texted my sister in California, fuming over mom, but still couldn’t cool down myself. After a while, I opened my e-book reader and resumed my reading a James Goll’s book, “The Seer”. On one page, it talked about John, the disciple. It said something like “John, the Beloved who laid his head upon the chest of Yeshua the Messiah and heard the very pounding of His heartbeat and heard the very breath of the Master, both in the natural and in the spirit realm as the pneuma or wind of the Holy Spirit. This John is the one known as ‘the disciple whom Jesus loved.’” The moment I read them, I said to myself, “I do want to be ‘Yunee, the beloved’”, longing for His presence. Immediately after the thought, I stood amazed. As if someone sprayed fragrant mist under my nose, there was the fragrance just below my nose that I used to smell in my place or elsewhere in Singapore, the very fragrance I used to smell, feeling His presence. How much I missed it! I couldn’t help dropping tears. His love was overwhelming, and He is indeed close to the broken-hearted like Psalms 34:18 says. At the very moment of His fragrance, I just felt Him saying to me “Yunee, My beloved!”, and all the bitterness was immediately healed. I felt nothing can separate me from His love, and His love is all I need. Tears didn't stop, and He healed me immediately.
When I left my mom alone for the cafe, I didn’t want to go back home soon. But I thought she might feel worried about me and lonely, so I decided to go back sooner. When I walked back home under the umbrella, the fragrance came again. And I felt Him pleased with my thought.
Then, one day in 2019, I just felt so weary and stressed out due to mom again. I went to the restroom in my place at night, when I was not able to contain myself anymore. I was weeping, but pressed down myself, not to make a sound to mom. Even after weeping in the restroom for a while, I couldn’t contain frustration and weariness anymore, so I kept dropping tears with Kleenex beside me on my bed. I wanted to go somewhere outside and scream till I would lose my voice. But I chose to listen to Pastor R.T. Kendall’s sermon, “The Presence of God”. He talked about Psalms 16:8, “I have set the Lord always before me; Because He is at my right hand and I shall not be moved.” He said: it would be great, if we could feel His Presence when going through dark seasons; Sometimes, we cannot feel anything, but He is still there.
And Pastor R.T. used to say to Him looking at the right side, “Lord, I love You!” I wanted His Presence and His manifestation like His fragrance badly a while back when I was so weary. And his message blew me away and healed my weariness right away. But I felt nothing. Yet, I said to God, turning to my right side on my bed, like Pastor R.T. said, “Lord, I know You are right here. And I love you, even though I feel nothing.”
If you are being so weary and tired, but you don’t feel His Presence at all, please know He is still at your right hand. No matter whether you feel it or not, He is always right there with you, and you shall not be moved.
Have a bliss!
You will show me the path of life;