How are you? I’m well.
Today, I would like to share the goodness of our Father. Indeed, God is good all the time.
A few weeks ago, I exploded into anger, after I had chronic fatigue for many days due to lack of sleep. As mom’s dementia got worse, I was not able to sleep well. Not only the lack of sleep, but some gross and messy stuffs she made at home made me exhausted. Recently, she developed a strange behavior. She stacked up toilet papers on her bed and on the bedside table and was so happy with seeing those stacked toilet papers. Not only stacking them up, but she also threw away quite a lot into the trash bins and the toilet. Quite often, I found the toilet about to overflow, as she put way too many papers and even the thick paper in the middle of the toilet papers, after she used up one. So, I told her to throw away toilet papers into the trash bin in the restroom, not into the toilet. Then, one morning, I cleaned up her bed and bedside table. On the bed and the table, under the bed and behind the bed, there were heaps of toilet papers. While I cleaned them up, I simply exploded into anger. I was actually angry with her making noise at night, which disturbed my sleep again. Not controlling my tongue, I said to her, “You should go to a nursing home. I can’t stand you anymore!” I knew mom hates the idea of being sent to a nursing home, as she thinks living in a nursing home means to her being disowned by her children. Yet, I was mad and spat out the words. While I cleaned up the mess she made, fuming, I heard His still small voice, “So, you want to send her to a nursing home for toilet papers?”
I said, “Yes!!!”
And He said, “And for what else?”
So, I said, “The towels! She made all the towels wet, You know.”
While I replied to Him, He made me realize what a small stuff I was mad at and what an excuse I made to think of sending her to a nursing home. (though I always thought it would be the last resort and I would continue to put up with the difficulty for her.) After finishing cleaning up and calming down, I sat on the sofa. Interestingly enough, I watched a news on the TV, and it reported on an evil employee who worked in a nursing home and abused an elderly lady with dementia. They showed a video taken in the nursing home that recorded the moment of her abusing the dementia patient. I knew it was the Lord’s saying to me. I thought to myself that if I, even the daughter treated my mom unkindly, how much more unkind an employee in a nursing home would be to her.
Yet, mom continued to make me lose sleep at night and continued to make a mess. Then, last week, I awoke in the middle of the night due to the noise she made. I told her to go back to her bed. Then, I went to the restroom. And I became so mad. I saw the toilet was about to overflow and the toilet papers were overflowed from the trash bin and they became a mountain next to the toilet. I felt suffocated by the endless mess she made and felt so hopeless. While I cleaned up all the gross mess she made in the restroom, I just cried, and I still felt suffocated. When I went back to my bed, it was after 1:30am. I couldn’t get any sleep since then, being so weary and upset. So, I decided to take a walk as soon as the sun rises. Though mom tried to go out alone even in my presence at home a few weeks ago, I just thought to myself, “If she tried to go out, let her go. I simply can’t breathe anymore here.” Then, around 5:20am when the sun rose and it started to be bright outside, mom was sleeping. So, I left a message to her on the door of the restroom and on the window that I would take a walk and be back around 8am. Then, I went to my favorite place for a prayer walk, the garden of the Seoul art museum. I sang worship songs, as no one was around. And I kept praising Him and praying. Indeed, the joy of the Lord is my strength. I felt better and decided to go to a bakery, as it was so hot and humid even in the early morning. In the airconditioned room in the bakery, I texted my Singaporean friend to share what had happened over night and I felt good after I praised the Lord. My friend sympathized with me and said, “Yunee, can you ask your niece to look after your mom for a day or two? So, you can have a short breather.” So, I said to her that my niece seemed to be very busy for her work and I would not want to give any burden to her. And I also thought 1~2 day of getaway from mom wouldn’t really help. Then, my friend prayed that the Lord would refresh me with His joy and fill me with His peace.
Later, when I got back home, I felt much better.Interestingly enough, the Lord made me realize why mom acted strangely the other night. Before we went to bed, I was not kind to her. I was very blunt and unkind to her request, after being so tired. He made me realize that I lack in love and I treated her unkindly and it made a vicious cycle. And I was also sad, as she kept asking me, “Babe, do you still love me?” I repented and I asked the Father to pour out double portion of His love so that I love her no matter what, and she would feel His love through me. I was thankful that the Lord gave me not only joy, but also the revelation on what the problem was. Then, to my amazement, my niece texted me in that afternoon. It has been a few weeks since she texted me last time. As my Singaporean friend mentioned getting some help from her right in that morning, I was quite surprised to receive her text. She asked me whether we can have video-chatting together with mom. Then, when we were connected through the video, I was even more surprised. My nephew was in town! He came from a Muslim country where he worked, and he just finished the two-week of self-quarantine in Seoul. It was a total surprise. And we arranged our meeting for the next week. I booked a hotel in Seoul as one night family getaway. I was so grateful for His goodness, especially when I was so weary. And I was also grateful, thinking He would like to give my mom and my nephew an opportunity to see one another in 7 years, before she goes to the Lord.
Then, I was even more amazed and grateful for my niece’ proposal. She planned to pick up some Chinese foods from our favorite Chinese restaurant in my old hometown. Just the day before her call, my sister in California and I talked about our favorite foods in there and I said to her, “Oh, I miss the sweet and sour fish in that restaurant. It’s been 4 years since I went there.” What a good good Father we have! He indeed satisfies our mouth with good things!
So, on the day we were supposed to meet, my mom and I checked in the hotel earlier than my niece and nephew. My niece’ work was supposed to be finished at 6pm and they would be a little bit late, after picking up the Chinese foods. While I was waiting for them in the living room in the hotel, mom was sleeping in the bedroom. And I played out worship songs, praying in tongues. To my amazement, I saw a rainbow through the window! What a surprising gift from the Father! I never expected to see the rainbow on such a beautiful day when I have a family reunion. It reminded me of the commentary in the Bible I read earlier in that morning about His promises. I felt Him saying to me, “Babe, I never forget the promises I made to you. You’re not forgotten!”
Later when my niece and nephew arrived, my mom was simply overjoyed, and we enjoyed the very delicious Chinese foods together. What an amazing and good Father we have!
And after the dinner, when my niece showed some pictures to my mom in the bedroom, my nephew and I had a wonderful fellowship in the living room, talking about the Lord’s plan in the Muslim countries in the end times and I shared amazing testimonies that I read and listened to. I felt both of us were encouraged by one another and I found we share something in common in our book-reading and meditation. Although we met in 7 years since my elder sister’s wedding in California, I felt as though we met one another often and our faith binds one another closely. He shared how the Lord gave him the confirmation through the dream, when he asked Him about the path he should walk through and about the country he should go to. It was so encouraging to hear the Lord indeed give His children dreams and visions to show His plan for each one of us.
The family reunion with my mom, niece and nephew was such a precious gift from the Lord. My mom was so happy with her grandchildren and all of us had a great retreat, though it was short. I realized that He indeed made the lyrics of the worship song I sang in the garden of the museum, “Come to the River” come true to me.
Come to the water, all who are thirsty
Come and drink
Come to the table, all who are hungry
Come and feast
Those who are weary, those who are needy
I will taste and see You are good
Good to me
I tasted and saw He is good, even when I lacked in love. He refreshed my soul and He gave mercy to me to love my mother with His kindness. He gave me the heart to treasure her, when she is with me. Thankfully, she got better in her night sleep and my sleep was not disturbed at night, since our retreat. Praise the Lord!
Friend, I wanted to encourage you, if you are thirsty, hungry, weary or needy. The joy of the Lord is our strength. I pray that you and I continue to taste and see His goodness, no matter what circumstances we are in, in Jesus’ name.
Have a bliss!
Bless the Lord, O my soul;