The Searchlamps of God

Dear Friend,
How are you? Hope you had or are having a good day today?

Sometimes when I wrote blogs, I became afraid that I might give you the wrong impression that I would be a good Christian or live out what I wrote.  So, I think I should write how bad I am and I have a lot to be desired in my journey with the Father.

On October 8th this year, I had a short Me time in the cafe that I didn’t visit often for the past couple of years.  It is known for bagels and cream cheese as well as coffee.  Lactose intolerant, I decided to have coffee only.  I enjoyed coffee in the window seat, with a thankful heart, looking at sparrows in the trees outside and beautiful sunlight.  Later, I grabbed a simple lunch for mom and went to grocery shopping.  I got persimmons on final sale at a good price, and other stuffs.  On the cashier queue, I was the 3rd, and overheard the talk between the 1st customer and the cashier.  The cashier asked her whether she wanted to use her points or part of her points in the payment.  Then, the 1st customer said, “Part of my points were gone. What happened to my points?” She didn’t answer the cashier’s question as to whether she wanted to use her points or not. The cashier said, “Once you get points, you should use them up within 5 years. They’ll be expired and gone in 5 years.  So, do you want to use your points now?” Then, she said, bluntly and a bit arrogantly, “I know. But, my 600 points were gone.  I wanted to use them later.  What happened?” She didn’t seem to understand the cashier’s explanation, and she asked the same question, not answering the cashier’s question on her points.  It repeated three times. I got irritated.  I looked at the other cashier line, but there was no cashier there.  So, I had to keep waiting.  Listening to her asking the same question again and again, but not answering the cashier’s question, I finally sighed.  It was my passive expression both to her and the cashier: “I AM WAITING.” There were more customers behind me in the queue.  So, finally, the cashier said, “Sorry, I can’t explain it again, as these customers are waiting.” 
I said to myself, as if I would say to the cashier, “Ignore her, please. If you were a teacher and a stupid student kept asking the same question again and again, not listening to you nor understanding you, you couldn’t explain to him or her over and over again.  You should think of other students.  It wastes others’ precious time!”  Of course, the 1st customer was the stupid student in my imagination. Even when I was finally paying for my grocery to the cashier, I kept thinking of those unkind words.  And even on my way home, I was still fuming and kept having unkind thoughts toward the customer.  There was no thankful heart to the Father even though I got persimmons for mom at a surprisingly nice price.

After dinner, mom seemed to feel like staying longer, watching TV in the living room.  So, I decided to watch my favorite shows with her rather than read a book.  Later she started to doze off and I sent her to her bedroom.  I also went to my bedroom and chose to listen to Pastor John Fenn’s latest audio teaching on the book of James and 1 Peter.  When I listened to his explanation on James 3:9~12, I came to understand the verses in a very different way:
“With it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similitude of God. Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening? Can a fig tree, my brethren, bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Thus no spring yields both salt water and fresh.”
I paraphrase his explanation that the verses on the untamable tongue is not just about speech, i.e. talking right. Rather James’ point is our consistency in our life, action, words, i.e.  don’t live contrary to the spirit man once we become believers. It hit close to home.  It simply reminded me of my grumbling and unkind thoughts toward the customer. Even though I didn’t say any bad words to her, my thoughts were unkind.  My heart was unkind and arrogant.  But our Father sees our heart, not our appearance.  Seemingly, I was ok in the grocery store, despite the small sigh.  But, my heart was not right.  And I must have had my Lord leave His dwelling place in my heart at that moment, as it stank.  Definitely my thoughts must have made Him uncomfortable. Yet, I was thankful for the Father’s timely teaching and correcting me. I immediately repented of my thoughts earlier on that day, with a thankful heart to Him.
After repenting, I was a bit distracted, watching some of the news in YouTube, though I tried not to watch YouTube before sleep. Then, I came to see Pastor David Guzik’s video titled “The Searchinglamps of God (Zep. 1:12)” popped up.  I thought it was perhaps I watched his recent video on Zep. 3:16~17 a few days back.  And I wanted to watch this video on Zep. 1:12:
“And it shall come to pass at that time
That I will search Jerusalem with lamps,
And punish the men
Who are settled in complacency,
Who say in their heart,
‘The Lord will not do good,
Nor will He do evil.’”
And David Guzik said (my paraphrase), “God didn’t use lamps to find an honest man, but to discover and uncover sin. … God sees through and through you and you can’t hide anything from God.”
What a timely teaching it was.  I knew God spoke to me through this video, too.  Indeed, He uncovered my sin.  The hidden sin in my heart that only He and I knew about.  I realized that during the whole day, I didn’t even think back upon it and I didn’t even realize that I sinned in my heart until I listened to John Fenn’s teaching a few minutes back.  Then, He also taught me on His searching lamps.  He sees through and through me.  I can’t hide anything from Him.  And I can’t thank Him, enough.  If He didn’t use that lamp, I would keep on living that way.  And I thanked Him, as I felt He wants me to be clean without sins.  It was the Father’s love to uncover my sin.  He didn’t lay a guilt trip on me, but He wants me to be like our Lord, Jesus. And I also knew that He would still rejoice over me with gladness and singing and He will quiet me with His love, despite my fault.  And the next morning, I will see His mercy & compassion is new.  I was already forgiven.

The next morning on my bed, I enjoyed beautiful sunlight and clouds in the sky and thanked Him for His new mercy.  After breakfast, I wrote this down on my journal in the iclouds.  Only then did I realize something and said to myself, “Oh, I missed talking to the Father in that very annoying moment in the grocery store.  Only if I could turn my eyes unto Him at that moment, and vent my frustration and anger to Him, I could have been comforted by His words.  I missed Him.” And I realized that I should closely pay attention to the Lord in my heart and talk to Him, not only at the happy moment in Me time, but even at the annoying moment.

Friend,
I’m glad in a sense that I could share my reality, my real self, today.  I’m still learning.  And I become more grateful to our Father, as He doesn’t give up on me, but patiently teaches me with His love. Hope this blesses you.

Have a bliss!
Julie

​My son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord,
Nor detest His correction;
For whom the Lord loves He corrects,
Just as a father the son in whom he delights. (Proverbs 3:11~12)