Prayer

Dear Friend,
How are you? Hope you’re well.

In August last year, I had an incident where I felt as if I were panicked. A family member who used to make traumatic events in the past simply tried to come to my place without asking me or letting me know in advance.  Thankfully, I was in my favorite cafe with mom, and another member of family informed me that this person was on her way to my place.  First, I became angry with her not respecting my boundary. Then, my heart started to pound, as I tried to hide away for a while, not to see her.  I’ve had difficult times since she was in town for the past few months last year.  Later on that day, we met in my place, but I had to lie on the bed due to severe headache and nausea from the stress.  I said to the Father, “How long should I put up with her?” Then, one of Pastor John Fenn’s teachings came into my mind:
“But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love. (2 Peter 1:5~7)”
To my recollection, he said something like not only I should grow, but other brothers and sisters in Christ should grow in this path as well.  I also recalled his teaching on setting the boundary.  So, after the nausea was gone and another member of my family came in, I started conversation with her in front of another member as witness.  I needed witness, as I recently found out that she had told a lie about me a few years back.  Anyway, the conversation went well.  She went back to her place, saying apology.  Yet, I was still angry at her. I was already exhausted by her stubbornness, self-centeredness, and so forth. So, I vented my feelings, talking to my friends including my hairdresser, and other member of my family. 
​I can’t recall how soon, but I think, much later did I realize that I hadn’t talked about how I had felt to the Father. I was reminded of another teaching of Pastor John Fenn about holiness: Holiness is about transparency.  And I realized that I had avoided talking to the Father about her, as my feeling toward her was something negative: I was angry; I fumed; Seriously, I was disgusted at her.  Yet, I tried to hide my feelings while He knew everything.  I tried to pretend as if I were good and holy in front of Him.  But, He already knew all my thoughts and I didn’t have to hide anything. It was ok to say to Him my honest thoughts and feelings.  So, I said to Him, “She is a bitch! Crab! What a bitch! Why in the world do You love her?”
“…” 
Then, I laughed.  I was being brutally honest and transparent to Him. I became overjoyed. I didn’t have to pretend to be good.  I’m just bad like that, and He already knows that.  And I was glad, as I was transparent to Him. And my secret was safe with Him, no matter what I said. So, I decided to pour out my feelings to Him.  But, you know, you can’t continue to say cuss words on someone to Him everyday.  He would give us some impression in our hearts.  He knew she was wrong and she has some faults in her character.  Yet, He wanted me to pray for her.  His love is not based on how good we are or what good works we did. From the outset, He loves the world so that He gave His begotten Son.  Even when you and I were sinners, He loved us and we were saved simply by His grace.  So, I stopped cuss words, but prayed for her.  Not only for her, but He also reminded me of His promise that He showed me through a dream.  He wanted me to receive the reward He planned for me in eternity, and He didn’t want me to lose it by being distracted by the enemy’s tactics. I was even more thankful to the Father for His goodness.

More than a year after that incident, I came to read about Jeremiah’s prayer from Eugene Peterson’s Run with the Horses:
“‘Talking to God, I felt, is always better than talking about God (Therese of Lisieux)’
…What we find is Jeremiah praying: addressing God, listening to God. Prayer is the act in which we approach God as living person, a thou to whom we speak, not an it that we talk about. Prayer is the attention that we give to the one who attends to us. It is the decision to approach God as the personal center, as our Lord and our Savior, our entire lives gathered up and expressed in the approach. Prayer is personal language raised to the highest degree. 
…That is a picture of prayer. The person with whom we set aside time for intimacy, for this deepest and most personal conversation, is God. At such times the world is not banished, but it is in the shadows, on the periphery. Prayer is never complete and unrelieved solitude; it is, though, carefully protected and skillfully supported intimacy. Prayer is the desire to listen to God firsthand, to speak to God firsthand, and then setting aside the time and making the arrangements to do it. It issues from the conviction that the living God is immensely important to me and that goes on between us demands my exclusive attention. 
… The confession of Jeremiah are no parody but the real thing - exclusive focus on God: intense, undivided preoccupation with God. …. What goes on in these intimate exchanges between Jeremiah and God? We know who he is with in secret; what does he say in secret? The confession in Jeremiah 15 is a fair sample. Here some of us are in for another surprise, for the uninstructed idea of prayer is that it is accepting and soothing, that the person at prayer is the person at peace in the universe. But Jeremiah at prayer is scared, lonely, hurt and angry.
‘You know where I am, God! Remember what I’m doing here! Take my side against my detractors. (Jer. 15:15)’
…Jeremiah was not timid in his prayers. As even bolder accusation came later when he raged, ‘You seduced me, Yahweh, and I let you; You seized and overcame me’  (Jer 20:7 Bright’s translation) … That is Jeremiah at prayer: scared, lonely, hurt, angry. A surprise? … Everything he experienced and thought he set in relationship to a living, knowing, saving God. And the moment these things are set in relationship to God something begins to happen.
…Jeremiah stops speaking but prayer continues, for prayer does not end when we end. In prayer God is not merely audience; he is partner. Jeremiah has spoken honestly; now he listens expectantly.
…Jeremiah’s part in the prayer was to be honest and personal; it is God with whom he has to do. The first requirement in a personal relationship is to be ourselves. Off with the masks. Away with the pretense. ‘It’s me, it’s me, it’s me, O Lord.’ Jeremiah’s prayer is not pious, not nice, not proper - he speaks what he feels, and he feels scared, lonely, hurt and angry. Well enough. God’s part in the prayer is to restore and save. Before God in my prayer we do not remain the same. The fright and loneliness and pain and accusation are all there, but they do not stay there. God feels our pains, but he does not indulge our self-pity. 
… Priorities are reestablished in prayer. It makes all the difference in the world whether God is in the first place or in the second. … The setting of priorities is not a once-and-for-all act. It has to be redone frequently. Balance shift. Circumstances change. Moods swing. Is it still God, in face, with whom I have first of all to do, or is it not? Prayer is the place where the priorities are reestablished.
… Everything God said then he says still. The promise is still in effect. It is not enough to remember; we must hear it again. Prayer is the act in which we hear it again. It is not enough to carry memory verses around with us; we need daily encounter with the resonant voice of God. Prayer is that encounter. Situations change. Does God change? We pray. We listen. God speaks his word again - the same word! - and we are restored and renewed in our commitment. 
…The word of God does not change and my call does not change, but the relationship is under constant assault and must be renewed constantly. Resolve is essential but not enough. In prayer God provides renewal. Prayer is not so much the place where we learn something new, but where God confirms anew the faith to which we are committed.
… No one becomes human the way Jeremiah was human by posing in a posture of victory. It was his prayers, hidden but persistent, that brought him to the human wholeness and spiritual sensitivity that we want. What we do in the secret determines the soundness of who we are in public. Prayer is the secret work that develops a life that is thoroughly authentic and deeply human.

Friend,
I can’t resonate with him more. And I hope you’re encouraged by my own story as well as Eugene’s insight.  I pray that you and I commune with Him in our secret place, not only when we are overjoyed, but when scared, lonely, hurt and angry. It’s about relationship with the Father.  Our communion with Him in the secret place. Talking to and listen to Him.  At the end of the day, He would ultimately bring us where He wants us to be, through prayer.
Have a bliss!
Julie

Thus my heart was grieved,
And I was vexed in my mind.
I was so foolish and ignorant;
I was like a beast before You.
Nevertheless I am continually with You;
You hold me by my right hand.
You will guide me with Your counsel,
And afterward receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but You?
And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart fail;
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (Psalm 73:21~26)