Chesed

Dear Friend,
How are you? Hope you’re well.
Heads-up! Beware of poo. (In case you plan to eat something anytime soon. :))

Last week, I wrote about mom’s gumache. Somehow, she didn’t get recovered soon this time, despite a few acupuncture treatments. Each time when I took her to the oriental medicine clinic, I ended up being exhausted or having a body-ache. Then, in this Tuesday morning, I debated as to whether I would take her to the clinic again. She got much better, yet she still had a lingering pain. I made a reservation for both of us, but later in the afternoon, I canceled mom’s appointment, but decided to go alone. I chose not to feel guilty, even if I didn’t take her to the clinic while she was being healed. First of all, I was worn out mentally and physically, and thought I should take good care of myself, before taking care of her. In addition, earlier on that day, there was a hiccup, following the previous one last week. I smelled something like poo, when mom was around in the living room. And I found out a little bit of poo was in her underwear. So, I helped her change it and wiped her rear out. I found her poo was here and there on her clothes, too. Certainly, I thought it turned out to be a good decision not to take her to the clinic. So, I went alone to the clinic for acupuncture treatments, and came back home, after buying some corns and snacks for mom in a traditional market. Then, I smelled poo again in her room, and found out she washed her underwear and hung it in the walk-in closet. Apparently, she wanted to hide it, ashamed and sorry for me. But, I found out her new underwear she was on also had a little bit of poo. Over the next couple of hours, it happened 3~4 times. It seemed that her muscle didn’t work. Poo smell was here and there, and my back ached after wiping her rear out several times. Finally, she sat on the bed, not knowing her rear had to be wiped out, while I changed her underwear. Looking at her poo even on her blanket, I ended up crying, “Mom, why?” I knew it was not her intention, yet I broke down emotionally. I had to run a washer twice on that day and throw away her blanket. For a moment, I got even angry at her. But soon, I thought to myself, “Is it a sign that He would take her Home soon?” I recalled the old folks like my mom and her older sister used to say that people would poop before they die. And I googled some symptoms before death, and found out it was one of them. Calming down, I thought that I must give her some precious moments, if it were her last day. I showed her her children’s old pictures when they were little. They made her happy. While she was looking at them, I thought that I used to ask the Father whether He would let me know one day before He would take her Home, and asked myself whether it’s His sign. Later, before she went to bed, I hugged her and touched her cheek, saying I love her. Then, when I went to my bed, I was reminded of Pastor John Fenn’s teaching that holiness is transparency. The Father knows everything in our heart, even though we don’t speak out. And I wanted to be transparent, and didn’t want to be a hypocrite, as He already knew my heart. I said to Him, “Father, I want to be honest. Please take her Home. This is too much for me. I know You’re leading me into a new season, and she would be happier with You.” My eyes got wet. And my body ached.

Then, in Wednesday morning, I received a text from my sister in California. I texted her the other night about all the happening, and said to her that I put feminine care stuff in mom’s underwear as temporary measure. And she said, “You might want to buy adult diaper. She might need to wear it, going forward.” The first thing I did in the morning after I got out of bed was to check mom’s underwear, and wipe her rear out and change her underwear. Back hurt, and my body ached all over. After breakfast, I went out for grocery shopping including pull-on adult diapers. Before that, I wanted to take a short stroll to refresh myself. So, I went to a cafe where I used to pick up egg tart for mom, in order to buy one for her. Then, next to the cafe, I came to see young parents and their little girl perhaps at the age of three or four. The little girl started to cry out, and her mom held her up in her arms. It was simply a few seconds, yet I knew the Father was speaking to me through them. Nothing is coincidence. The young mom’s holding her little girl simply reminded me what love I received from my mom. Since I was in diaper, she loved me unconditionally. I realized that the Father wouldn’t say anything, when I was whining, not ready to listen to Him. But, when I calmed down, He would speak. His way is not limited to the Words, “Thus says the Lord,” or dreams or visions, but He also uses anyone I would bump in. He didn’t condemn me, but certainly He was teaching me gently. 
Back home, I helped mom to change her underwear to pull-on diapers and started to have peace. I only had to change her diapers frequently, without her poo leaked into her clothes. The other day, I only pitied my back hurting. But, on that day, I started to pity mom, as she had pains in her rear, after my frequent wiping her rear out with baby wipes. And I wanted to take every moment with her preciously, no matter how many days we would be together here on earth.
Later in the evening, I continued to read part of 1 Peter and 2 Peter from where I stopped the other day or so:
“Shepherd the Flock
The elders who are among you I exhort, I who am a fellow elder and a witness of the sufferings of Christ, and also a partaker of the glory that will be revealed: Shepherd the flock of God which is among you, serving as overseers, not by compulsion but willingly, not for dishonest gain but eagerly; nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock; and when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that does not fade away. (1 Peter 5:1~4)”
I recalled an ex-tenant of mom, who is a missionary, said to me a few years back, “Sister, you’re shepherding a sheep, your mom.” 
“Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord, as His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue, by which have been given to us exceedingly great and precious promises, that through these you may be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust. (2 Peter 1:2~4)”
And this made me realize that God the Father already gave me divine power to love my mom, regardless of circumstances. My body aches. Poo smell is unpleasant. So many dirty works I have to deal with. Yet, He gave me His divine power so that I can love her. That night, I said to Him, “Father, would You please help mom not feel painful when I wipe out her rear?” For the first time after the poo incidents, I prayed for her.

Thursday morning, the first thing I did after getting out of the bed was again to greet mom and check her diaper. No poo. I frequently checked her diaper, but it was clear. The Father indeed helped her rear not hurt any more. My body was still aching, but my heart was singing for His goodness. Then, I continued to re-read some highlights I underlined in an Eugene Peterson’s book, Leap over a Wall, lying on the bed, and I came to read a chapter “Love (David and Mephibosheth)”:
The Hebrew word chesed, narrowly translated as “love,” is a large word. No single word in our language adequate to translate it, so we revert to the use of adjectives to bring out the distinctive quality and broad reach of this love: steadfast love, loyal love, covenantal love. What we’re after is an understanding that retains the affection and desire and intimacy that commonly go with love, as we sometimes experience it as parents and children, “lovers” and friends, but amalgamated now with the stability, dependability, unswerving commitment, and steady reliability that we so commonly find wanting in ourselves and others. Chesed is often used in the biblical revelation to designate God’s love. But we humans, who have been created in the image of God, are also capable of loving this way, even though we never seem to get very good at it. Chesed is love without regard to shifting circumstances, hormones, emotional states, and personal convenience. This is the kind of love with which “God so loved the world….” This is the kind of love to which we aspire when we take marriage vows to love “in sickness and health, till death do us part.”  (From Leap over a Wall)
I also knew it’s the Father who orchestrated everything, including the pages I would re-read on that day. I became even more grateful for the Father’s teaching. I’m not perfect, yet I press forward to the calling I have, which is to walk in Chesed and be transformed into His likeness.
Thanks to the Father’s mercy on mom and myself, today, mom’s diaper continued to be clear, and I helped her change it back to her cotton underwear, for her skins to breathe. 
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Friend,
I do not know whether you’ve struggled in walking in love, when circumstances are challenging. We have great news that the Father gave us His divine power for us to walk in love and godliness. My prayer is that we may love one another as David loved Mephibosheth, and as our Lord Jesus loved us. Steadfast, loyal and covenantal love, no matter what.

Have a bliss! Happy Friday!
Julie

 But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love. For if these things are yours and abound, you will be neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. (2 Peter 1:5~8)
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