Dear Friend, How are you? Hope you’re well. In May this year, I had some errands to run in the morning, and I said to mom that I would be back in 2 hours. Then, like a child, she said, “Babe, I want to go with you. I will be scared, home alone.” I said to her, “Mom, where is Jesus?” She said, “In heaven.” I said, “Yes, He’s in heaven, but He’s also in your heart.” Then, her face was suddenly brightened. Smiling, she said, “In my heart!” I continued, “So, you shouldn’t feel scared, as Jesus is in your heart.” Coming back home after running the errands, I was grateful, as she was doing ok alone. Later in the evening, I thanked the Father and prayed to Him that she may never forget Jesus is in her heart. Since then, whenever I ask her where Jesus is, she smiles and touches my chest and then her chest, saying, “Here in your heart, and here in my heart.” God is good. She is forgetful yet she never forgets the truth, Christ in us! But my journey with mom who has dementia is not always smooth, though she is overall ok and happy. Sometimes, there is a hiccup. On July 14th, Sunday, I arranged a return with a vendor (Korean equivalent of Amazon), as they mistakenly shipped a box of damaged canned drink. The vendor’s delivery man was supposed to pick it up in the Sunday morning. So I put it in front of our door, and told mom not to take it back indoors, saying it should be returned. I put a note “To be returned” on top of the box, and told her a few times not to take it back, before going out to grab her lunch. Due to the hot and humid weather from early morning in July, I couldn’t have Me time outdoors so that I wanted to take some time alone in Burger King, drinking coffee and ordering mom’s favorite shrimp burger. Then, I got a text from the vendor that they would soon pick up the box, and I asked the Father that mom wouldn’t take the box back. After her burger was ready, I still wanted to stay longer in the store. Yet as I wanted to go to restroom, I decided to go back home. When I got home, I didn’t see the box in front of the door so that I thought the vendor picked it up. But, when I went to kitchen, I saw the box was there, and I got frustrated and angry. I said to mom, “Mom, I told you not to take the box back. It had to be returned.” My voice and tone said to her enough that I got angry. She said, “I’m sorry.” And I went to restroom, still fuming. Then, I felt as if the Father said the vendor didn’t come yet and everything would be alright. And He made me realize it’s devil’s using the circumstance. I thought of my prayer back in Burger King, and I realized I lost faith. Just as soon as I got out of the restroom, the vendor came and picked up the box. How accurate the Father’s timing was. If He didn’t make me want to go to restroom sooner, I would’ve stayed in BurgerKing for a little longer and missed the vendor. He’s in control. Yet, I lost faith, and temper, too. Then, early in the morning on July 17th, Wednesday, I looked at the window and saw it didn’t rain yet, unlike the weather forecast. During those rainy seasons, I wanted to have my daily routine with mom, i.e, going to cafe, before rains started. In addition, as I had to do laundry later on that day, I wanted to bathe mom and put her clothes and underwear in the washer. Usually, mom doesn’t like bath time, and she would say, “Babe, I don’t feel good today. I feel under the weather. No shower today.” She is like a child. In that morning, she also said that as usual. But strangely on that day, she resisted strongly, being stubborn, until I got angry. After a tug of war for a few minutes, I made her unclothe herself and walk into the shower. While being washed, she seemed to feel better and said to me, “Babe, I’m sorry that I was being stubborn.” As usual, I said to her, “Do you want to go to cafe, after shower?” Like a child, she was excited. And we had a great time in the cafe nearby. Later in the afternoon, I continued reading a Eugene Peterson’s book, As Kingfishers Catch Fire, and opened a new chapter, “Behold My Servant” on Isaiah 42:1~4. “Behold! My Servant whom I uphold, My Elect One in whom My soul delights! I have put My Spirit upon Him; He will bring forth justice to the Gentiles. He will not cry out, nor raise His voice, Nor cause His voice to be heard in the street. A bruised reed He will not break, And smoking flax He will not quench; He will bring forth justice for truth. He will not fail nor be discouraged, Till He has established justice in the earth; And the coastlands shall wait for His law. (Isaiah 42:1~4)” He wrote, “The picture is of a true servant. He goes to work quietly and deferentially. He walks down the street and speaks in soft, conversational tones. There is no hard sell and no loud argument with anyone who chooses to deny or ignore him. In great gentleness he goes about his work. He will not break a “bruised reed”; a person who has little resistance will not be taken advantage of. A person who might seem like a pushover, “a dimly burning wick,” he will not coerce. There is no element of necessity or force in his approach. His servitude is total. … The way of the world is to use power and coercion to get things done; the way of the Christian is to use love, gentleness, and service to redeem the race.” His insight struck a chord with me silently, but loudly in my heart. It simply made me realize the way I treated my mom earlier on that day was totally different from our Lord’s. I broke a bruised reed and quenched a dimly burning wick, as I thought I’m in control, and mom is a pushover. Her brain doesn’t function well enough so that she should listen to me, whatever I say to her. But no! Our Lord is gentle and there is no push, no coercion. It was ok, if we had missed our daily routine. Nothing wrong with it. It was ok, if she had not wanted to be bathed. I could have waited until she wanted to. I should’ve waited and done laundry later. But everything was based on my need & my schedule, not on her feelings and want. I was thankful to the Father, as He gently taught me through the book just timely, but without condemnation. Later on Sep. 10th, Tuesday, perhaps 2 weeks after I resumed writing blogs. I had a short Me time on the bench in the Christian school campus, sipping hot caffe latte in my tumbler. I said to the Father, “Father, I enjoy writing blogs, ever since I resumed it.” I felt as if He were saying, “Yeah, I like you to write blogs.” I said, “But why didn’t You to tell me to write sooner, then?” “…” Then, I realized that He never pushes me. He never forces me to do anything, just like our Lord, Jesus. To Him, I would be a pushover, yet He didn’t use His power. He waits, and He respects my free will. He is that gentle and meek. I often recall the comment of the late pastor of my previous church in Seoul: “The Holy Spirit is a Gentleman. He never comes into us, if we won’t invite Him.” Unlike Him, demons barge in and come into people, without invitation. If we force or push others to do something, it’s either from our flesh (self) or from demons. Our Father and our Lord never do that. My journey with mom still leaves a lot to be desired, but I’m grateful for the Father’s lesson and helping me learn the character of our Father and our Lord. Friend, I hope this blessed you, and I pray that you and I become true servants, as our Lord showed us examples. Have a bliss! Julie If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example, that you should do as I have done to you. Most assuredly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master; nor is he who is sent greater than he who sent him. If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them. (John 13:14~17) Comments are closed.
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